Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Next update: Why I'll Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

I'm pretty sure that in an apocalypse scenario, I'll be one of the people that survives. Especially if it's a zombie apocalypse. That's because I'm a genius. In the next day or so, I'll post my article on why I'll survive a zombie apocalypse. If I've learned anything from movies and television... actually, I've only learned things from movies and television... it's that most people will be killed in a zombie outbreak and that's because most people are pretty stupid. Anyway, I'll save my arguments for my article.  

Check back in the next 24-48 hours. Maybe 72 hours. No more than 120... probably.

Monday, September 19, 2011

I Would Like To Join Your Evil Conspiracy

 Did you know that Star Trek is real?

Yup.

Think about it.

Let’s say you are a government agent and you are asked to hide the greatest secret of all time. In 1947, a Vulcan spaceship crashed outside of Roswell, New Mexico, and from that wreckage, the United States military managed to reverse engineer their own starships. They’ve discovered a wildly diverse galaxy with Klingons, Romulans, Borg, and thousands of other species roaming the cosmos. Although sharing the truth with the general public is tempting, the reality is that we’re far too frail to handle the fact that we are not the focal point of the entire universe. We’re nothing more than a planet of semi-intelligent apes and the idea that we aren’t as awesome as we think we are is way, WAY too spooky.

Some people could accept and even embrace this fact, but most are incapable of coping with the truth. Most people hate surprises. They're terrified of change. In fact, one of this country's two main political parties is built on an ideology that wants to un-change things until we revert to a wholesome society that resembles a romanticized version of 1950s television. The last thing most people want is for the government to broaden their horizons and expand the potential of the human race. They just want today to be exactly like yesterday and for tomorrow to be the same as today. For most people, a government that maintains normal and keeps us safe from violent foreigners is their idea of a perfect nation.

Your superiors are too afraid of the stupidity of the world's people and so they decide that the truth must remain a secret. And now, it’s up to you to hide the incredible truth from the public. So what do you do?

You tell them. You hide the truth by sharing the truth.

“Wait a second – you want to keep something secret by telling people about it?” Is probably what  you’re saying to yourself right about now. “That doesn’t make any sense and now I’m angry because you confused by tiny little Jell-O brain!”

As I said before – think about it.

Imagine the Star Trek universe is real (AND IT IS!) and there are Klingons and Vulcans and Borg flying around in starships. Now imagine a group of those Klingons beamed down to Earth and went for a walk in downtown New York. What would happen? Not much.

Most people would look at them, call them dorks and move on like nothing ever happened. Even the most ardent UFO/paranormal believer wouldn’t think much of it (although they’d probably get stabbed when they approached the Klingons and asked them where they get their makeup done). People would see them as a bunch of extreme Star Trek fans and nothing more. The idea that they are actually aliens would never cross their minds.

Now imagine someone out there actually stumbled onto the truth and decided to go to the press. They try to explain that Captains Picard and Kirk are real people, and that the U.S.S. Enterprise is roaming the stars and exploring strange new worlds. Spock, Scotty, Worf, Data -- they're real people/Vulcans/Klingons/androids!

No one would listen to them. Even members of the UFO/human love community would think they were absolutely insane. The government wouldn't even have to respond because no one in their right mind would actually believe Star Trek -- a lovable science fiction franchise -- actually exists.

Star Trek is just a TV show. There’s no way it’s real!

You have the perfect cover-up and all you had to do was hide in plain sight.

-----

From cable news, primetime dramas, movies, the Internet and educational television, I’ve come to the realization that conspiracy theories are absolutely everywhere. Every single aspect of our lives is controlled by some dark, spooky and shadowy organization. The vast left-wing conspiracy is attempting to turn our children into gay/Muslim/feminist/communist vampires by using the public education system to scramble their brains. The vast right-wing conspiracy is attempting to turn us into xenophobic/nationalist/reactionary/bigoted/racist cavemen with their powerful corporate machine. There’s the climate change conspiracy which is Al Gore’s attempt at undermining America by destroying the oil industry. Of course there’s the homosexual agenda that aims to turn everyone gay. There’s the classic CIA/alien conspiracy which is paving the way for an extra terrestrial invasion. There’s the Microsoft 12-31-2099 conspiracy. We have the pharmaceutical industry’s conspiracy which uses vaccines to give children autism while holding back the cures for cancer and AIDS so they can make money off of less effective (and more expensive) treatments. There’s the evolutionist conspiracy to destroy religion. There’s the Free Masons and their dream of creating the new world order.

There are conspiracies everywhere! And now there are conspiracies that control different conspiracies. It’s the Conspiracy Conspiracy!

Now, I fully accept the existence of these many conspiracies with no moral reservations. Mostly because I don’t care. So on behalf of myself, I would like to volunteer my services as a pawn, minion, puppet or tool. I would like to join your conspiracy.

If I am to believe television and the media (which I do!), then there are secret organizations that do nothing but read my blog, read my thoughts, monitor everything I watch, say or do, and track me and my dog with their satellites. They do it to you, too. But you probably aren’t as interesting as I am. Unless you’re Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton is awesome.

As my Star Trek conspiracy, and the rest of my blog, demonstrates, I am capable of creating far-fetched yet plausible ideas, and I think that would make me an asset to your conspiracy. But there are a few things I need to make clear.

First of all, I will not get involved in any terrorist conspiracies. Unless of course your conspiracy is using terrorist groups to fight and kill each other. Also, I don’t do “dirty work”. No violence or assassinations. I just don’t have the stomach for it. I can barely handle aspirin – there’s no way I could assassinate someone.

I see myself in a information/misinformation/propaganda role. I can be very manipulative if I want to, but seeing how smart and handsome you are, you likely already knew that. By the way, have you lost weight? I mistook you earlier for a movie star.

Now if you decide to have me join your conspiracy, I do ask that you don’t be cliché about it. Please, do not abduct me off the side of the road, put a hood over my head and drive me to your secret base. I don’t like surprises. Unless you want me to like surprises. Then I do like surprises. Also, I expect passage for my dog and myself on the spaceship you’re building to escape Earth when the Mayan apocalypse occurs. Or if there’s some sort of super alien plague on the horizon, my dog and I expect vaccines (and not the ones that give people autism). If you’re building an underground base to escape the upcoming zombie plague, then well, you know where I’m going with this… safe passage for my dog and me, etc.

I’d prefer to work from home or from some cool abandoned factory. And I’d like it if that abandoned factory had a pool of lava and a big shark tank. And a vending machine that dispenses Pepsi products, including AMP energy drinks. Please, for the love of God, make sure the vending machine has Pepsi products. I do not like Coke products.

I require a starting salary of at least $500,000 a year as well as health insurance and a retirement plan. I also expect opportunities for advancement. I would make an excellent assistant for one of your dark overlords or for your evil Dick Cheney-like leader. I am looking for advancement within your conspiracy, and eventually, I'll want my own mansion built on top of a really tall mountain where I'll bring kidnapped secret agents and reveal to them our evil, master plan.  And please, no weird evil conspiracy uniforms. I just want to wear a suit and tie like all the other tools out there. 

So, in conclusion, I think I would be an excellent fit for your evil conspiracy and I look forward to not being abducted in the middle of the night and transported to your secret headquarters. (wink wink)

Just e-mail me with instructions for doing your evil bidding. Oh, and I want to be paid in either cash or gold.

Thank you.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Apologies, Corrections and Clarifications


Being committed to accuracy, I fill it’s important to correct myself when I’m wrong. Therefore, here is my first volume of corrections and apologies.

Clarifications

1. I am not serious in my call for invading the following countries: Iceland, Panama, Spain, Nauru, Mali, South Korea and Germany. I was simply mocking xenophobic and nationalist attitudes shared by many of my fellow countrymen.

2. I do not actually believe that we should focus all our hate on Merrick County, Nebraska, nor do I believe that hatred is an effective tool for unifying our nation. Read between the lines, stupid.

3. I do not believe there is a “homosexual agenda” nor that it has taken control of the breakfast sandwich industry. Both of these claims require more research.

4. There is a remote possibility that the world will not end on December 31, 2099.

5. There is no proof that Bill Gates sleeps in a bath tub of fetal stem cells, nor is there any evidence that his consciousness has split into a good side and an evil side. Furthermore, there is no evidence his consciousness prowls the Internet.

6. I cannot confirm that Dick Cheney wants to become God and there is solid evidence that he might be trying to become the devil.

7. McDonalds might not have been preparing for a Soviet takeover of the United States had Walter Mondale won the 1984 presidential election.

8. There is no evidence that Germany is attempting to create a half cyborg/half Hitler clone.

9. Although my story about Data murdering Wesley Crusher might suggest otherwise, I have no problem with the actor Wil Wheaton. In fact, he sounds like a cool guy.

Corrections

1. Although Iceland has not outlawed whaling, their population does not generally enjoy torturing baby whales.

2. 90 percent of Icelandic women have not had at least 9 abortions.

3. Iceland does not devote half of its resources to killing whales.

4. Parents in Panama do not give their children Christmas presents just so they can destroy them in a Marxist ritual.

5. After careful research, I have determined that France is in fact a real place.

6. The average North Korean is not under 3 feet tall and does not weigh only 38 pounds.

7. The Ku Klux Klan did not form in Iceland.

8. Iceland does not control the eruptions of their volcanoes and they do not use these volcanoes as weapons of mass destruction

9. Some people in Spain do in fact bathe, wear deodorant and do not get motion sickness.

10. Spain did not liberate native Americans from abusive Mayan warlords.

11. The Korean DMZ was not created in the 1800s nor was it built solely to make money for the fence industry.

12. Most serial killers were not born in Merrick County, Nebraska.

13. Hitler did not call Merrick County, Nebraska, his “home away from home.”

14. The average woman in Merrick County, Nebraska, has not had 14 abortions

15. They do not celebrate the Fourth of July in Merrick County, Nebraska, by burning flags and Bibles.

16. Merrick County, Nebraska, did not vote to secede from the U.S. during World War II.

17. They do not practice ritualistic sacrifice or cannibalism in Merrick County, Nebraska.

18. Orphans in Merrick County, Nebraska, are not kept in plastic storage bins and their fingers are not chopped off.

19. Women suffrage exists in Merrick County, Nebraska.

20. Kids in Merrick County, Nebraska, are not forced to read the Koran and renounce their American citizenship.

21. They do not eat puppies and kitties in Merrick County, Nebraska.

22. Most… all… of the flags in my “7 Countries I’d Like To Invade,” article did not belong to the countries in the article.

Apologies

I formally apologize to the smelly citizens of the following nations:

1. Iceland

2. Panama

3. Spain

4. South Korea

5. Mali

6. Nauru

7. Germany

8. Portugal

9. Ukraine


I also would like to apologize to the people of Merrick County, Nebraska. You pigs.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Remembering 9-11

7 Countries I Would Like To Invade

I don’t feel very safe right now.

There are all sorts of people out there who speak funny-sounding languages and who have funny-sounding names, and I just know they’re up to no good. If they didn’t have anything to hide, then they would start speaking in English and give themselves good, pure English names. I’m left to conclude that these nations – if you can even call them that – have nothing but bad intentions and so it’s time to teach them a lesson – American style!

Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya – yawn! It’s time we invaded some non-desert countries. By acting erotically… or is it erratically… hmmm… by acting both erotically and erratically, we can remind the rest of the world not to stick their hands in our cookie jar. And it will be a nice little boost to the economy.  

Oh, and something about 9-11. Yes, we’ll do it in memory of 9-11. That will make me feel safer. I’m not sure how, but after watching all of our educational television channels endlessly exploit… I mean… remember… 9-11 with countless hours of special programming, I think invading someone is in our best interest.

Why?

1, Because we can. 2, Because it’s fun (for us).

So who’s next?

Here are my suggestions:

1. Iceland: The World’s Crappiest Island

Iceland's Smelly Flag
Leave it to a bunch of smelly Icelanders to ruin your day. But what do you expect from a nation that spends half its resources on killing endangered species of whales? Aside from facts that 90 percent of Icelandic women have had at least 9 abortions, and they torture baby blue whales for sport, Iceland deserves everything it has coming. Did you know that the Ku Klux Klan formed in Iceland? It’s true. I think.

But aside from being amoral whale murderers, the apes that live in Iceland are dangerous. Why? I’ll tell you why. Volcanoes. That’s right. A thousand years ago, a bunch of jerk Vikings decided to move to a barren island littered with volcanoes, just so they could have better access to the baby whales they so badly wanted to torture. Also, they wanted to play a prank on another group of jerk Vikings by convincing them to move to an equally awful island: Greenland.

Now the descendants of these jerk Vikings live in crappy little igloos and constantly think of new ways to screw everyone over by setting off their volcanoes. That’s the problem with places like Iceland. They’re mad about how miserable their lives are and so they want everyone to be as miserable as they are. So that right there is a good enough reason to invade and conquer Iceland – to take away their weapons of mass destruction, a.k.a., their volcanoes.

That’ll teach the baby whale murderers to screw around with commercial air traffic.

2. Panama: We Made You, We Can Destroy You

Panama's Crappy Flag
Once upon a time, the French wanted to build a canal through Central America. Unfortunately, they faced a great obstacle when they attempted to build this canal: They were French. Now I’m not even certain if France is a real place and not some mythical bizarro world crafted by the liberal media, and so instead of invading them, we’ll invade their greatest failure – Panama.

The United States had to come to the rescue after the French failed miserably, but unfortunately, Panama and the smelly Panamanians were under the control of Columbia at the time. So we decided to back Panamanian dissidents and helped them secede from Columbia, forming a separate nation that we could then build a big canal through. Despite giving them the gift of freedom, the Panamanians were only thinking of themselves and wanted to control the canal. I know, it’s unbelievable. It was our country that spent many years paying laborers from the West Indies to build our canal. If they wanted a canal so badly, they should have found their own cheap foreign laborers to exploit.

Well, I say it’s time we took our canal back. Did you know in Panama, they give their children tons and tons of presents on Christmas morning and then the parents break all the toys and set them on fire in a big bonfire? It’s true. It’s some weird Marxist ritual. Of course the liberal media  doesn’t want you knowing the truth.
So unless you want to spend months traveling around South America on a boat, you better sign up the kids from the nearby low-income neighborhood to go invade Panama for us and take back our canal thingy (I think it’s a cross between a river and an elevator).


3. Spain: The Smelliest Country On Earth


Spain's Smelly Flag
The one time I met a smelly Spaniard, it was a thoroughly unpleasant experience. Therefore, I will judge the entire Spanish nation based on this sole experience.  Here are the facts I learned about people from Spain based on this single encounter:
  •           People from Spain don’t bathe.
  •           People from Spain shave their feet.
  •           People from Spain will smoke inside your house, even if you ask them not to, and then they’ll try to mask the smell with Glade air freshener.
  •          People from Spain are hypochondriacs, even though they refuse to bathe.
  •           People from Spain don’t use deodorant.
  •           People from Spain get motion sickness at extremely annoying times.

Aside from all these reasons, Spain pretty much deserves to be invaded. So does Portugal, but I feel bad for the Portuguese for two reasons: 1, They’re Portuguese; 2, Their country is surrounded by Spain. Spain is bad news and even though they discovered the Americas and liberated the Native Americans from oppressive Mayan warlords, they would be a fun country to attack.

I really hate Spain. In fact, Spain doesn’t deserve to be in Western Europe. Oh oh oh – idea! Let’s swap out Spain for a country from Eastern Europe! We’ll invade Spain, forcibly relocate all of their people to Ukraine, and then we’ll let the Ukrainians move to Spain. It will be like a promotion for the Ukrainian people and plus it will really piss off Russia.

I think we can offset the cost of this ambitious plan by enslaving the Spanish people once we have them relocated. And that way we can make sure they bathe regularly and use deodorant. Nobody wants smelly slaves.


4, South Korea: “Whoops, we meant to invade North Korea… oh, well! LOL!”

South Korea's Smelly Flag
I just don’t get South Korea. It’s like Japan’s Canada. So why should we invade the smelly South Koreans? Because it would really confuse North Korea. And then once we finish invading the country, the president will travel over there and give some victory speech, but halfway through he’ll realize that North Korea is the bad Korea and that we invaded the wrong country, and he’ll be like, “whoops!” And then everyone will have a good laugh.

It’s not that I hate South Korea… I just felt Asia was underrepresented in my list. And after all, they did bomb us at Pearl Harbor and how do they repay us? Why they go and create North Korea. And you know they only did it for attention. The average North Korean is 3 feet tall and weighs 38 pounds. A well armed junior varsity girls basketball team could take over North Korea and their pedophile leader Kim Jong-Buttsucker-Il. South Korean businessmen created North Korea in the 1800s so they could make money by building a giant fence along the border (the fence industry was like the oil industry of the 1800s).

So in conclusion, there are plenty of reasons to invade South Korea. Plus they eat really weird things there and I don’t like it when people do things that are different from the things I do.


5, Mali: Because We Can

Mali's Smelly Flag
What could possibly be more fun than conquering one of the poorest nations on Earth? Cloning dinosaurs. But since we can’t clone dinosaurs at the moment, we’ll have to settle for invading Mali. Because I don’t know anything at all about the smelly Malians nor their smelly land, I’m working under the assumption that they’re up to no good. They have all that sand, but when’s the last time you heard of a sand castle building competition in Mali? Never. That’s pretty much the standard test for determining the threat posed by Northern African/Middle Eastern nations: if the people enjoy building sand castles, then they pose no threat. If they don’t, then they must be radical Muslims hell bent on destroying America and advancing the liberal homosexual agenda.


6, Nauru: The Southern Hemisphere's Iceland


Nauru's Smelly Flag
Let me make this easy for you: Nauru is a small island nation with a population less than 10,000 and barely 8 square miles in size. It’s like coming across a free sample at the grocery store. You just have to take it. Seriously. Think about how easy it would be? We could invade them, grant them their freedom, invade them again, free them again, and repeat this cycle 100 times in a single afternoon. Maybe you’ve been brainwashed by the radical Islam liberal homosexual agenda, and are thinking to yourself, “What did Nauru ever do to me?” Well, here’s a better question – what has Nauru ever done for you?

Each one of those smelly Nauruvian makes $5,000 a year. That’s $5,000 that could be in your pocket. Multiply that $5,000 by the 300 million people in the United States and just like that we have 1.5 trillion dollars in our pockets! Every year! Personally, I’m willing to ignore the plight of a small island nation in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with a nearly unpronounceable name if it means I get $5,000 each year. This makes so much sense it almost hurts my brain.



7, Germany, Remind Them Not To Go Hitler Again

Germany's Smelly Flag
First we humiliated them during the First World War and then we routed them during the Second World War. Well, good things come in three. Or is that bad things... Well, either way, invading Germany would be a good thing. I’m telling you – we can’t trust them. Not for a second. I mean, we kicked the crap out of them in World War II and they’re acting like they’re totally fine with it. No way. 

Like my experience with a Spaniard, I have had mostly bad experiences with the two German people I have met. One of them was convinced that cold beverages were deadly and claimed our refrigerated orange juice gave him meningitis. The other kept asking questions about our culture. Very suspicious behavior.

All I’m saying is that Germany has show certain repeat behaviors and quite frankly, I think it’s better to invade them before they get the chance to invade us. If we don’t, then it’s only a matter of time before we’re living under the iron fist of a half cyborg/half Hitler clone who forces us to drink room temperature beverages.
Germany needs to be reminded that we wear the pants in our relationship. Actually, they need to be reminded that we don’t have a relationship. We allow them to exist. Let’s not even give them a chance to think about starting World War III. In fact, we should probably invade Germany every 30 or 40 years for good measure. That’ll teach those smelly Germans who’s boss.

In Conclusion...
USA! USA! USA!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Star Trek The Next Generation Fan Fiction:

Data Murders Wesley Crusher

“Wesley Crusher – on behalf of Starfleet, I want to thank you for your service as a boy genius on board the Enterprise,” Admiral MacIntyre gushed as thousands chanted Wesley’s name. “As a token of our appreciation, we hereby grant you this completely believable promotion to acting captain of the Enterprise.”

“Aw, gosh, you mean it?” Wesley giddily exclaimed as a big wet spot appeared in the crotch-area of the weird jumpsuit he was wearing (which was considered very stylish among 24th century teenagers).

“We sure do, Wesley!” Commander Riker smiled as he ruffled Wesley Crusher’s hair. “You know, I taught him everything he knows!”

The crowd laughed. That’s our Commander Riker!

“Captain Picard, even though you have decades of experience and are considered one of Starfleet’s greatest captains, I hereby grant you an honorary demotion to the rank of acting Captain’s Assistant. From this point forward, you will report directly to young Mr. Crusher,” the admiral continued.

“Why it’s about time!” The captain replied in an unusual jovial display.

“And finally, it is my honor to inform you that Counselor Troi has begged for you to marry her. Of course you, Wesley Crusher, boy genius, could have any woman you want, so I’ll let you decide if you accept her proposal.”

“Oh, gosh yes!” Wesley cried as Counselor Troi embraced him and kissed him passionately as the massive crowd wildly applauded.

Wesley Crusher giggled to himself while rolling around in his now very wet bed sheets, slowly returning to consciousness as his wonderful dream slipped back to fantasy land. He raised himself up into a sitting position, frowning as he noticed he wet the bed – again. He was 17 years old and he was getting way too old to be wetting the bed each night. Luckily he had super awesome futuristic self cleaning sheets and they would be dry in a matter of minutes. He took a moment to reflect on his wonderful dream when he noticed a dark silhouette sitting at the foot of his bed.

“Computer, lights!” He shouted as the the cloak of darkness subsided and the mysterious figure was revealed. “DATA? What the heck are you doing in here?”

Data stood up in a very mechanical manner – what one would expect from an android. Wesley’s eyes were still blurry with sleep as he noticed Data was holding something in one of his hands. Data smoothly lifted up the object – a big white rabbit.

“Commander Data – what is this? What are you doing in here?” Wesley cried as the confusion slowly gave way to fear.

Data didn’t speak. He pulled out a phaser and Wesley’s self-drying sheets were back to square one.

“Wesley Crusher to security!” Wesley screamed as he tapped his com badge. The badge didn’t greet him with its standard beeps and was as lifeless as the android standing at the foot of his bed. Wesley decided to go with plan B.

“MOMMMMMMM!!! MAAAAHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMM!!!!” His mother didn’t answer. She was probably with the captain in his quarters. She was always with the captain in his quarters.

Data suddenly fired the phaser and the rabbit vaporized. Wesley started to cry hysterically as the bunny went “poof!” Data then calmly pointed the phaser at Wesley while adjusting the settings.

“No no no no no, please don’t Data! Why, Data? Why?” Wesley sobbed.
Zap!

*****

Wesley woke up a few hours later, flying out of his bed and running around in a few, awkward circles as he desperately scanned his bedroom for Data. His head throbbed and his muscles ached – a side effect of being shot by a phaser.

“Security to Wesley Crusher’s quarters! Security to Wesley Crusher’s quarters!” He wailed as his com badge worked flawlessly this time.

*****

“Mom! I’m telling you – Commander Data was in our quarters last night! He killed a bunny with a phaser!” Wesley exclaimed to the senior staff,  including his mother, as she examined him in sickbay.

“I’m not showing any sign that he was shot with a phaser,” Doctor Crusher responded, clearly embarrassed by her crying son.

“But, but, but…” Wesley tried to gather his thoughts before being cut off.

“Wesley, Data was on bridge duty all last night,” Captain Picard interrupted. “He never left his post.”

“I know what I saw!” Wesley replied.

“It was just a nightmare, Wesley,” Commander Troi added.

“Yeah, Wes – you know Data would never hurt you,” said Geordie.

“No – it was real!” Wesley cried as he started to sob again. “He murdered a bunny!”

“Dammit Wesley!” Commander Riker yelled for good measure.

Just then, the sickbay doors opened and Data walked in. Wesley let out a hysterical scream that made Captain Picard extremely annoyed.

“Bunny killer!” Wesley shouted as he ran and hid behind a surgical table.

“Dammit Wesley!” Commander Riker yelled again.

“Bunny killer? I do not understand. Have I upset you Wesley?” Data calmly inquired as Wesley trembled with fear.

“Keep him away from me! You’re a freak you stupid robot!” Wesley, feeling empowered by the presence of the senior officers, told Data who remained unmoved by his harsh words.

“Wesley Crusher!” His mother Beverly shouted as everyone in sickbay looked at the young acting ensign with disbelief. In the future, calling an android a robot is like using the N-word. “You apologize to Data, right now young man!”

“No!”

“I am sorry if I have offended you Wesley. I have always considered you my friend,” Data, giving a programmed look of puzzlement, replied.

“Well I’m disappointed in you Wesley,” Captain Picard somberly stated. “Until you come to your senses I am hereby relieving you of your acting ensign duties.”

“What? No! He watches me when I’m sleeping! He kills bunnies!” Wesley cried to no avail.

“Dammit Wesley!” Commander Riker yelled again.

The senior staff slowly cleared out of sickbay and when it appeared that he might be left alone with Data, Wesley quickly left and headed for the turbolift. He needed to clear his head and so he went to Ten Forward where he could work on some math problems. When he arrived in the Enterprise’s main hangout, he was given a dirty look from Guinan who like the rest of the ship had heard that he called Data the R-word (robot).  Wesley tried to ignore all the staring as he walked over to the replicator and ordered his usual breakfast – a jumbo bowl of chocolate puff cereal, six chocolate chip pancakes with triple syrup, a 48 ounce glass of fruit punch, a large bowl of peppermint candies, a 24 ounce jar of strawberry cake frosting, a 24 ounce jar of raspberry jam, a large bowl of yellow M&Ms, 17 fruit rollups, a three-pound bag of gummi bears, and a jumbo bowl of chocolate-banana ice cream.

Wesley immersed himself in his math problems as Ten Forward slowly cleared out after the breakfast rush. He quickly finished his breakfast and ordered four more 48-ounce cups of fruit punch when he noticed someone was staring at him from the bar. A chill went down his spine as he saw Data gazing at him with his deceptively vacant android eyes. Wesley, trying to stay calm, picked up his computer pad and walked out the door as it whooshed shut behind him.  The Enterprise seemed unusually empty as his footsteps echoed in the quiet halls, supplemented by the hum of the starship’s engines. Wesley soon realized that he wasn’t alone as heavy footsteps seemed to follow him.

It was Data!

His quick walk turned into a jog and then a full-throttle sprint as he ran to the sanctuary of the turbolift. Wesley turned a corner and ran to the turbolift’s doors, his heart racing as he heard Data’s footsteps grow closer. Data effortlessly followed him as Wesley anxiously waited for the turbolift’s arrival. Wesley started to cry and the 240 ounces of fruit punch he had consumed in the past 28 minutes was about to breach the levies. When Data rounded the corner, Wesley felt a familiar warm wetness flood his pants as the android stood facing him from about 10 feet away.

“What do you want from me?” Wesley moaned as he leaned against the turbolift doors, hoping that somehow this would make it arrive sooner.

Data just stood there and Wesley finally heard the turbolift arrive. The doors opened and he fell inside. Data remained motionless until the doors started to close. Wesley caught a glimpse of Data’s head as it turned around in a complete 360 degree circle just as the doors shut and the turbolift carried him away. Wesley decided to go to security but the turbolift had other plans for him. It went to the holodecks instead and Wesley didn’t even notice as he ran out of the turbolift. He looked over his shoulder while running when he slammed into a hard and heavy object. He ran into Data.

Wesley shuffled away from Data on the floor, struggling to get back onto his feet. Without thinking, he ran into the holodeck and watched the doors shut behind him. He tried his combadge again but nothing happened. He then realized that a program was already running. His heart raced and he felt like his blood was on fire as he saw thousands of holographic copies of himself on the holodeck being tortured and murdered in every way conceivable. The floor was soft and squishy and even though he didn’t want to look down, he couldn’t help it and saw he was walking on a mountain of corpses. Each corpse was him in varying states of decomposition and Wesley stumbled and fell. His hand broke his fall, landing in the decaying stomach of one of the holographic Wesley Crusher corpses. He wept as he futilely and aimlessly crawled on the mound of dead Wesley Crushers.

He looked up and saw a holographic Data disemboweling a holographic Wesley Crusher with a Klingon Bat’leth. Another holographic Data was on its hands and knees, eating  Wesley’s flesh like a lion eating its prey.  And yet another Data grabbed a holographic Wesley’s head and effortlessly crushed it with his mighty android power. Wesley crawled into the fetal position and cried while rocking back and forth. He was so afraid that he eventually fainted. When he came to, the senior staff was standing over him and the holodeck program had come to an end.

“Dammit Wesley,” Commander Riker yelled as Wesley looked around with confusion and relief.

“Get up, Wesley!” Captain Picard shouted in his dominating voice and Wesley instinctively stood up.

“D-D-Data. H-H-He tried to k-k-k-kill me!” Wesley whined to an unsympathetic crowd.

“Data has been on the bridge this entire time, Wesley!” Captain Picard replied, visibly irritated.

“No – I swear! I’m telling the truth! Something’s wrong with Data!”

“There is nothing wrong with me Wesley,” Data responded, his body hidden behind Worf and Commander Riker before walking into plain view.

“You freak! Stay away from me! Mom! Don’t let him hurt me!” Wesley screamed as his hugged his annoyed mother.

Beverly slapped Wesley and pushed him away.

“I have no son,” she said, shocking Wesley with her angry voice.

“You need help, Wesley,” Counselor Troi added.

“No! Data is the one who needs help! He’s gone bananas! He did this thing with his head and and and it spun around in a complete circle and and and…”

“We’ve run three diagnostics on him Wes,” Geordie cut him off. “There’s nothing wrong with him.”

“Mr. Data – how far away is Starbase 79 by shuttle?” Captain Picard asked.

“Three days, six hours, nine minutes and 34 seconds at warp 4, captain,” Data replied.

“They have one of the best psychiatric hospitals in the sector," said Captain Picard. "I think it’s in everyone’s best interest if we send him there. That way he can get the help that he needs.”

“I’m not crazy!”

“Yes, Wesley, you are. It’s all in your imagination,” his mother stated.

“I’ve had enough of this!" Shouted the Captain. "Wesley, in order to prove to you that Data is not trying to hurt you, he’s going to escort you to Starbase 79.”

“No! He’ll kill me! Mom – you can’t let them do this!”

“It’s for your own good Wesley,” his mother shot back as she rolled her eyes.

“Dammit Wesley,” Commander Riker yelled.

“Please! Stop them!” Wesley continued to plead.

“Mommy’s having a hot flash right now Wesley and she’s in no mood for your crap. And don’t worry – Captain Picard will take care of me while you’re gone.”

Beverly Crusher smiled as Captain Picard grabbed her in a very inappropriate manner, making Wesley cringe as his eyes welled up with tears.

“It is okay Wesley. I will not harm you. You can trust me. I am your friend,” Data tried to comfort the boy.

“No!” Wesley screamed as he tried to run. He didn’t get very far as a grumpy Mr. Worf zapped him with a phaser.

Zap!

*****

When Wesley came to, he was inside a shuttlecraft, laying on a small fold-out bed in the back. His hands started to tremble as he saw the back of Data’s head from the pilot’s chair. He tried to make himself as small and quiet as possible, but Data’s remarkable android senses picked up on the slightest change in noise as he turned around in his seat. Wesley froze as Data stared at him.

“It is okay Wesley. You are safe,” Data informed him.

“Just stay back!”

“If I wanted to hurt you, I would have done so already.”

Wesley pondered this for a moment. It was true. He had been unconscious for hours and Data could have easily hurt him.  Data, seemingly satisfied, turned back to face the control console. With each passing hour, Wesley became more at ease. Maybe it had all been in his mind? Maybe he really was going crazy? Wesley kept his distance from Data, although this was difficult to do in a small shuttlecraft. He would occasionally get up to use the bathroom transporter. No matter how many times he used it, Wesley never got used to the bathroom transporter. But what option did he have? The geniuses that designed the shuttlecraft didn’t bother to include bathrooms and so they had to have the transporters beam the pee-pee and pooh-pooh right out of them. I bet you didn’t know that!

Finally, after three days the shuttle dropped out of warp. Wesley, starting to feel foolish for his behavior on the Enterprise, worked up the courage to apologize to Data. Even though Data didn’t have any emotions, Wesley still felt it was the right thing do.

“Look… Data… I’m sorry for all this,” Wesley shamefully told him, barely able to make eye contact.

“You do not need to apologize, Wesley,” Data replied.

“No, Data – I do need to apologize. I need help. I know that now. I should have never accused you of wanting to kill me. I now know that I was wrong.”

“No, Wesley. You were not.”

“Yes I… wait… what?”

“You were not wrong about me wanting to kill you.”

All the security that Wesley had amassed during the past three days vanished in an instant. He looked out the front window of the shuttle and instead of seeing Starbase 79, he saw a neutron star spinning on its axis at an unimaginable speed. He barely even had time to register his thoughts when the flash of the transporter came over him. He saw the surface of the neutron star as he rematerialized on it and to his surprise, he was still alive. He started to panic, too afraid to move as the neutron star cast out a blinding light. He should have been crushed in an instant, burnt to a crisp or suffocated from the lack of air, yet somehow he was still alive. Then he heard Data’s voice on his combadge.

“Burn in hell, Wesley,” Data bluntly stated as the force field that was protecting Wesley from the neutron star’s effects dissipated. “You should not have used the R-word.”

In an instant, Wesley was torn apart and flattened into a sheet of atoms.  

*****

“Captain – Mr. Data has returned from his… excursion…” Commander Riker said over the intercom.

Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher sat in his bedroom, wearing their bathrobes as they ate their breakfast.

“Very good. Send him to my quarters,” the Captain replied.

Data arrived at the Captain’s quarters and let himself in, followed by the senior staff and for some reason, Keiko Ishikawa – future wife of transporter chief Miles O’Brien.

“Wesley Crusher has been delivered to Starbase 79, Captain,” Data informed the Captain in an emotionless voice.

“Excellent work Commander,” Captain Picard responded. “It was for the best that he got the help he needs. I hear Dr. Neutron can work wonders.”

“It had to happen,” Beverly Crusher mused.

“It had to happen,” Data added as he spun his head around 360 degrees.

The senior staff and Keiko Ishikawa enjoyed a good, hearty laugh.

Monday, August 29, 2011

I Have An Idea...

I read that congress is debating whether or not to give themselves a pay raise. One of the big fads right now is to do performance-based funding for government programs and agencies. What if we put all of our elected officials on a performance-based pay scale? The president, congress, state officials, etc. -- we adjust their salary on the prior year's per capita income. For example, according to the IMF, the 2010 per capita income in the U.S. was about $47,000. This is what we would pay all the elected officials. The higher that number (the more we make), the more our politicians are paid.

It's a genius idea, admit it.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Boycott The 2012 Election!

Sign The Petition!


Send A Message To Washington: 
Don't Vote In 2012!


Imagine you are an animal trainer and you manage to teach a troop of chimpanzees just enough so they can understand and vote on a proposition in a democratic election. You get the troop together and you tell them about the Banana Proposition. If they vote yes on the Banana Proposition then each chimp will immediately receive 5 free bananas. If they vote no, they won’t receive any bananas immediately but instead will receive a huge, 100 acre climate-controlled greenhouse that contains a banana plantation. The trees in the greenhouse plantation were planted at different times and because they can constantly provide optimal growing conditions, the trees produce fruit year-round. However, the first trees won’t begin producing fruit for at least another year and so they’ll have to wait for their bananas. You dangle the free “yes” bananas in front of the chimps against the backdrop of the presently barren “no” banana greenhouse.

A few of the wiser chimps try to convey to the other chimps that if they make a small sacrifice now, they will be rewarded by a virtually unlimited supply of bananas in the future. However, the rest of the chimps are in a frenzy over the pile of free bananas that could be theirs immediately in exchange for a yes vote. As their mouths water, the chimps vote and the overwhelming majority vote yes. The chimps quickly devour their free bananas as bulldozers tear down the greenhouse. Two hours later, the chimps are hungry again.

Democracy is a wonderful idea. It empowers us. It gives us a voice and an opportunity to have control over our future. When Moses, Abraham Lincoln and the rest of our Founding Fathers invented democracy, they were relying on an intelligent, well-informed public to make the best decisions possible. The fact that half of you probably don’t know what’s wrong with the previous sentence seems to suggest that they made a mistake. They were counting on voters to think about the distant future and not just the present when casting their ballots. They had faith in the wisdom and intelligence of the American people.

Whoops.

When our educational television networks start broadcasting programs such as the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens and the Science Channel’s Punkin’ Chunkin’, it doesn’t bode well for the intelligence of the American people. Of the adults in this country that actually vote, most of them claim to be well informed and will often ramble about other people who don’t take the time to research candidates and issues. The truth is that most of those people who complain know next to nothing about the candidates and the issues and either vote entirely along ideological lines or make their decision based on whatever political ad scared them the most. Like the chimps in the Banana Proposition, most voters can’t look beyond the free bananas and end up enabling insane and incompetent politicians and passing pointless, expensive and/or oppressive ballot measures.

Now if you’re reading this article then it’s because you are one of the truly intelligent and well-informed voters. You’re not a sucker like most people. You know the facts. You know the truth. No politician is going to pull a fast one on you! Therefore, it’s time for all the smart people in this country to send a message to our politicians and demand that their voices are heard. And how are you going to get your message across?

You’re going to boycott the 2012 election.

It’s time for all the geniuses in this country to stop bending over for our government and there’s no better way to do this than by not voting. If enough of the intelligent people – like you – stop voting, then our politicians will finally be forced to get their acts together.

Politicians and political groups in this country are like giant blue whales. They swim through the sea of America with their big mouths wide open, collecting millions and millions of tiny little creatures called voters. And like those selfish blue whales in the wild, it’s never enough for our politicians. Once they fill up their bellies on voters, they digest it all and crap it out, and soon they need another big mouthful to temporarily satisfy their insatiable appetite. Well, it’s time for our whale-like politicians to go on a diet. And by diet, I mean forced starvation. If we can take away their voter-based food supply, they’ll be forced to recognize you and your blinding intellect.

Now I feel it’s necessary to point out that not everyone is smart enough to not vote. I myself am way too ill-informed and stupid to not vote and thus I have to vote in every single election because my tiny little pea brain can’t imagine not voting. And truth be told, you might be too dumb to not vote as well. That’s why I created a handy little list to help you decide whether or not you’re smart enough to not vote in the upcoming 2012 election. Here it is:

(If one or more of the following statements applies to you, then you are way too smart to vote in 2012 election and should boycott it entirely)
  •           You think you have encountered a ghost, demon, Big Foot and/or extra terrestrial.
  •           You believe in ghosts, Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster, the chupacabra, Moth Man or UFO abductions
  •           You think Nostradamus was a prophet
  •           You believe that the pyramids were built by aliens
  •           You think the holocaust never happened
  •           You think that George W. Bush et al., orchestrated the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
  •           You decided not to have your children vaccinated because you believe vaccines cause autism.
  •           You believe homeopathic remedies work.
  •           You regularly visit a chiropractor, acupuncturist or psychic
  •           You think climate change is a conspiracy.
  •           You think higher education is dangerous.
  •           You dropped out of middle school
  •           You believe that the United States is a fascist regime
  •           You own a hat with little packets of tea taped to it
  •           You get most of your information from cable news
  •           You think Glenn Beck is smart
  •           You think Michele Bachmann is scientifically literate
  •           You think Family Guy is the smartest show on television
  •           You think one or more of our presidents were (or are) like Hitler
  •           You think the guys from American Chopper are cool
  •           You think any of the people from Jersey Shore are cool
  •           You attended the Burning Man music festival by choice
  •           You believe the constitution should be used to restrict freedom
  •           You believe in the complete superiority and infallibility of you race, religion and/or political ideology
  •           You believe there’s a homosexual conspiracy that’s trying to make our children gay
  •           You think loud mufflers, body kits and spoilers are both necessary and cool
  •           You can give a detailed account of lives of the Kardashian sisters but you don’t know our vice president’s name
  •           You’re an adult who has voted for American Idol but never in a political election
  •           You’ve claimed that the Founding Fathers, Abraham Lincoln and/or God would agree with your point of view
  •           You Tivo Glee
  •           You think that Twilight is intelligent literature
  •           You think all Pro Lifers are misogynists 
  •           You think all Pro Choicers are evil baby murderers
  •           You think the Civil Rights movement was bad
  •           You think science is bad
  •           You want science teachers to teach your children about their religion


If one or more of those statements applies to you, then you are way too smart to vote! As I said, I am way too stupid to not vote so I won’t be joining you in your boycott of the 2012 election.  So, if you’re a grown adult who believes in ghosts or thinks that Michele Bachmann knows better than our entire scientific community, then you need to let the world know how smart you are by not voting. Remember, it’s the only way you can make your voice heard! As someone who lacks your cunning and intelligence, I’m relying on you to not vote. Me and the rest of the morons who are so stupid that they have to vote are begging you to stand up to our government. Thank you for understanding and please sign my petition: http://www.change.org/petitions/the-smartest-americans-boycott-the-2012-election

God bless you, genius.